Ugh…

I just feel so crummy right now. I have no idea how it got to this point.

What did *I* do? What have I personally done that can be construed as mean, negative, ill mannered or anything else. I honestly don’t know. Does that make me one of those people who think they can do no wrong? I don’t think so. I’m pretty honest with myself. I know when I fuck up. I just don’t think I fucked up this time. I just wish I knew. The secret animosity is killing me. Perfectly worded by my secret source, “Secret animosity is like poison. It’s an awful feeling.” So true. There are people I am friends with that if given the option today I would not be friends with. There are others that if given a choice I would never have begun friendships with or more accurately even acquaintances with. Then there are those that I thought I could never live without and through stress, anger, overwhelment (which is not a word) are showing me sides of them I never knew they had. No one wants to be the one to “ruin” the group or divide it. So, we all put on happy faces and fake it. Which. Is. Killing. Me. I have felt like this for a very long time. It is not just recent development.

I used to write a blog to talk about my goals and keep track of my progress. It has turned into more of an online diary. I don’t have many followers and I don’t mind. I don’t write this blog to have it read. It is mine. It is for me. I do not write things as a way of telling you how I feel about you. Don’t feel special. Most likely when you think it is directly written about you, you are wrong. I also, do not regret things I have written. They are my thoughts. my feelings, me heart. If you stumbled upon my blog and found something you didn’t like and based on the content you know for sure it is about you then I’m glad you found it. I wrote it because it is how I feel.

I feel lost and confused and frustrated right now. I can’t even discuss this with people because everyone always gets defensive. No one ever hears me. Everyone is ALWAYS right. My opinion is always wrong or that’s not how it happened. Or I didn’t mean it like that. Or you heard it wrong or you are taking it all wrong. It’s always me.

I can’t wait to have another baby. Be pregnant and not feel obligated to all the social functions that are just overwhelming with different personalities and never turn out how you expected. I’m happy with my little family and I’m excited to expand. I’m excited to share the experience with some of my closest friends. Even the ones who don’t plan on having any more babies (Kristin). This will be an exciting time in everyone’s lives and I’m just ready for the next step. Yay, babies! lol

I had to end my blog on a happy note because I don’t like feeling crummy and babies is all I could come up with 🙂

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. katiebuss
    Jul 22, 2011 @ 12:40:58

    Haha yes, YAY BABIES!

    Reply

  2. wifemomfriendme
    Jul 22, 2011 @ 15:41:00

    If it makes you feel any better, your opinion is always one of the first’s I seek out. Because we often think so different, I like to keep an open mind and hear your thoughts so maybe I can learn something new. So I love your blogs especially. I think so much about life and friendship/relationships are based on filters. We have all lived so much by now that we simply filter through situations, opinions, harsh words, etc, differently. Our reactions are based on previous experiences that make us who we are. So when we don’t think we did anything wrong, the person upset filters what we’ve done differently and reacts based on it. Leaving others clueless to their hurtful actions. I struggle remembering this. Brett often reminds me because I cry and say “I didn’t do anything wrong”. But my idea of “wrong” is different then someone elses. If I’m even making sense. The moral of the story is I love you. I love your opinions. I tell you when you’ve hurt my feelings (as others should). And I love babies too.

    Reply

  3. wendy rose
    Aug 02, 2011 @ 02:04:16

    If you move to fairbanks there will be no more social engagements that you have to attend Haha jk. I get out of those by saying I just need some quality h&w time as Joe calls it!!! But on a serious note I’m starting to wear him down he mentioned yesterday about living in the northwest!!!!!! I miss you & love you!!! Give that gorgeous peyton a hug and kiss for me and I hope you rid yourself of the people who make you unhappy life is too short it seems like yesterday we were standing in line T Dakota’s

    Reply

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